My choice of friends is just another example of my epic decision making skills.

Dear whackadoodle ex-friend: thank you very much for the lovely gift you managed to have laid across my desk even though the door was locked and no one was around, it was not at all creepy or disconcerting to find there. However, I’m not really sure where my messages are getting crossed. After I deleted you from Facebook, blocked your phone number and ignored all emails I was pretty sure the signals I was sending were NOT, “I am just depressed and down, please keep contacting me.” but more along the lines of, “you are bat shit crazy and I fear for my life in your presence.” How exactly can I make this clearer without buying a wooden stake, silver bullets and a garlic necklace? I would sit down and explain to you why I no longer enjoy your company but I fear that your temperament would go from Looney Tunes straight to Single White Female with a side of Fatal Attraction and this is unfortunate as I am very fond of my rabbit and my life. If you see me in the hallway backing away from you and holding up my fingers in the sign of the cross in front of me I promise it is not some new girlfriends gang sign that means me + you = woo hoo!! It’s just my silly way of saying you scare the piss out me and I have no idea how to release myself from your clutches without sparking the scorching wrath of scorned psycho ex “bestie” upon myself. You have a great day and don’t mind me over here trying not to make any sudden moves and backing away slowly.

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